lukewarm?

hmm have you ever felt lukewarm? sort of you really wana feel something strong, but cant manage? you wana be full of strong passionate emotions, for God and for your loved ones? sometimes during worship i really try to give God my all.. maybe i try too much and end up losing the whole point of simplicity.. sometimes even prayer becomes hard for me cause i'd wana tell God so many things that then i just get lost on how to say it or what to say or the list's sequence..

during the lenten talks, i thought i was missing the whole point of them... but then Fr Ray brought the example of the young man who was told to go by the lake and fill up this container made of hay which was dirty with coal..as he was carrying it back home, the water kept leaking through the holes.. but as he kept filling it up, it kept getting cleaner and cleaner.. so even if i might not have felt drastic changes, they've helped me in some way or another.. but sometimes i get scared of getting stuck in this lukewarm phase, where i just sigh and have nostalgia for the past, maybe regretting some things i've done..

i duno, but have you ever felt as though no song can really apply to what ure feeling, or no song can really 'satisfy' your heart's ears? like you've searched anywhere, but you feel as though this rush of love needs to grip you until you finally feel on fire... i really want that passion for Jesus i used to have to come back.. this is my honesty, and i know i couldn't keep it in.. why have i wondered off lately? sometimes i feel as God is out of reach, not cause He doesnt want, but cause its me who cannot reach his outstretched arm...

sometimes i wonder why ive been so lukewarm, not being so passionate to talk about His love to others.. have i been so engrossed in my little world that i've forgotten what going out to spread His word means? is it me who's holding back because of fear of what they might say? but then... i only live once, whats the use of living without risking? sometimes i wish i were young, cause i surely was more daring, more excited to go out there and try new things..



ive got a picture of my sister and i at this playground, where i was walking on this rope bridge and i was scared but i still did so.. in fact my sister kept looking at me with biwilderdness... i also remember myself jumping from one rock to another in this really rocky beach.. i was always so daring, and ready to risk.. now i doubt if i'm still like that, im more careful, maybe even trying to be more guarded... and sometimes i believe something, and i get comments like "its impossible.. you're too naive.. you're not facing reality.. you're always dreaming.." and these might have made me think twice about stuff, not acting on what i believe. for so many times ive tried changing a situation, doing my best to keep myself and the ones around me strong.. and failing to do so has put me in a situation that made me think twice.. it might have given me a sense of being careful, but it has made me doubtful too.. maybe even skeptical.. maybe i need to rediscover that life with God is unpredictable and full of riskful things that will make me feel fulfilled, regardless what the world will tell me..

now i know what the solution to this lukewarm state is...
maybe its time to take another step on that rope bridge of faith...